The Annoying “Anxiety”
I haven’t written in my blog in awhile, I’ll admit. I’m actually writing an entire book on women’s health. I really hope to have it published – or at least completed and in process – by spring of 2021. So I have been putting much of my writing energy into that.
The topic of “anxiety” came up at dinner with my family last night, and I felt like I wanted to write about that today. My daughter said “When you’re anxious, I’m anxious” in regards to traveling/vacationing. I responded with “and when YOU’RE anxious, I’m anxious”. Funny how we pick up on each other’s energies.
But then that led me to ask myself “When did I become such an “anxious” person?” I used to be a free spirit.. I’ve always carried around this inherent fear of death, but I was never afraid to travel, to try new things, to do things on my own. I loved being independent and I loved a new adventure. I don’t remember being anxious at all as a young person. Now I get anxious most times when I’m trying something new. Sometimes that anxiety is just THERE, hanging around for seemingly no reason. Sometimes I feel anxious when I’m driving. Sometimes when I am sitting on my couch at night. Or in the morning. Or in the middle of the day.
I started experiencing full on panic attacks in my 20s. I moved to a new place, to Georgia. I was sitting in traffic, in my car that didn’t have air conditioning, in the middle of their summer when suddenly it came on. I had no idea what was happening. I’ve since worked through those and can now stop them from happening. I do feel them coming on, but they rarely progress thankfully.
For me, “anxiety” manifests as this tightening of my throat and center of my chest, this feeling of general uneasiness, foreboding, like something bad is going to happen but I’m not in any inherent danger. I’m jumpy and hyperaware. And sometimes irritable because of it. It feels an awful lot like fear, but from a cause I can’t rationalize. I’m just generally uncomfortable in my own skin and I desperately want the feeling to go away, but I SWEAR.. my mind does NOT want it to go away. My mind is curious and is always searching for the “why”. Why do I feel this way? Did not I eat enough? Is it because I haven’t been exercising as much? Is it something I have eaten or drank? Do I need to change something? Do something different? Does my inner self know something that my conscious mind doesn’t? Am I “psychic” and something bad is going to happen? You can see how these thought patterns are not helpful, but it’s the way I am wired and I don’t know how to change it.
The most frustrating part for me is that I feel like I do absolutely everything I can from a holistic standpoint. I eat well, I exercise. I take time for myself to write, to meditate, to do plenty of self care. I have a pretty awesome life overall. But that damn anxiety STILL plagues me. I definitely see a correspondence with my menstrual cycle. It absolutely gets WORSE the last two weeks of my cycle between ovulation and menstruation, which leads me to believe that it has a hormonal component. This is often the reason why peri- and post-menopausal women struggle with controlling their anxiety. There is also a “phlegm” component.. as I also notice an increase in anxiety with increased nasal/head congestion.
Just recently I even decided to quit drinking as I was afraid that I was using the alcohol to cope with my anxiety in a not healthy way. I definitely was. I was drinking entirely too much, and I knew it. Did it dampen down my anxiety? I don’t think so… it just gave me a way to escape it for awhile, an unhealthy way. It was like a mini-vacation from it, only then I had to deal with hangovers AND anxiety. The anxiety would always accompany the hangover, so I could pretty much count on that.
In Chinese medicine, anxiety in women is typically related to the liver, the heart and the state of internal fluids (something we call yin). It usually points to an internal deficiency that needs to be corrected. It can only be corrected through lifestyle changes, IF it can be corrected at all. There’s a very real problem in our society with women NOT caring for themselves properly throughout the majority of their lives, and this often manifests with imbalances later on in life. (This is actually what my book is about.) Again, my mind wonders: did I push myself too hard for too long, so this is where I am now? Or is this just my new experience as a “peri-menopausal” woman?
I know many people turn to medications to help control their anxiety and I COMPLETELY understand why. Being uncomfortable in your own skin SUCKS. Sometimes I feel like it’s bad enough that I consider it. But I am stubborn. I am determined to find out what the actual cause of this discomfort is… and I hope I find it. I probably won’t keep looking until I do… and then I’ll have a new book to write!
It’s such a hard time right now for so many people. There is just a general sense of uneasiness/unknowing hanging around (you know… with the pandemic and political climate) and that may be contributing to it. Whatever state you’re in right now, just give yourself a hug and tell yourself “It’s OK.” Take time for self-care.. it’s a great time for that!